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Sincerely, Karen Killerby Karen Gsteiger Date: Friday, November 21, 2003
Dear Ladies and Gentlemen: My name is Karen Killer of Killer, Killer, and Schmidt (a law firm located in Glendale Heights, IL, for whom I perform duties of a secretarial nature). I have been a fan of your network for many years now, and it is one of the first channels that I turn to when I choose to watch television. I can always count on the World of Knowledge Network to provide me with useful information whether it be do-it-yourself programs, cooking shows, or nature documentaries. I just wanted to commend you for the episode of "Knowledge on Safari" that was broadcast this evening about the life of deer in the wilderness. I was especially enthralled by the lovely footage of the animals' intricate mating rituals. I propose that the World of Knowledge Network create a new cable channel, similar to The World of Animals, The World of Food, and other spin-off channels. I would like to see a 24-hour channel devoted solely to the wondrous beauties of animal mating rituals, especially scenes involving the tender and loving intercourse that leads to the birth of new life on this planet. I realize that this proposal sounds a little odd, but please let me explain. I, Karen Killer (of the aforementioned firm of Killer, Killer, and Schmidt), have been able to communicate with animals for as long as I can remember. I do not normally reveal this information to others, as I seem to have a unique ability in this regard, but I am writing to you because I can tell from your programming that you have a strong interest in animals. You see, I am also writing this letter on behalf of my beloved pet cats, Ritz and Sociables, who would like to see more of the aforementioned footage on cable television. I can personally assure you that they do not make such requests to serve prurient motives; they merely wish to expand their knowledge about certain biological processes. I believe that animals are not the only ones who would benefit from such a station. Humans too can learn more about the joys of lovemaking by observing their animal counterparts. If you are interested in my proposal, I would appreciate the opportunity to speak with you at your leisure. Please feel free to call me at home or at work. I look forward to hearing from you. Sincerely,
* * * Date: Friday, December 5, 2003
Dear Ladies and Gentlemen: Thank you very much for your quick reply regarding my letter of November 24, 2003. Although Ritz and Sociables are somewhat disappointed that my proposal for a new "World of Animal Romance" channel has yet to be implemented, I do appreciate your attention and interest. I am also grateful for your suggestion that I be filmed as part of a vignette for the World of Knowledge Network, particularly focusing on my ability to communicate with the animals. Unfortunately, I must decline, as my duties as a legal secretary at Killer, Killer, and Schmidt are of such a prestigious and important nature that they keep me far too busy each and every day. At any rate, I have found that the animals really do not have very many interesting things to say. At their most gregarious, even the squirrels have nothing better to comment upon than the weather, the number of acorns in the park this autumn, or the tragic passing of one of their brethren on the side of the road. Perhaps if the animals were given careers as rewarding as mine at Killer, Killer, and Schmidt, then they would find more intriguing issues to discuss. Once again, I thank you for your time and prompt attention. I do hope that you consider the 24-hour animal intercourse network. My cats (and many other viewers, I'm sure) would find it one of the most compelling, informational, and inspiring choices on cable television. Sincerely,
* * * Date: Sunday, December 14, 2003
Dear Mr. Frankenfeld: Thank you for your recent romantic offer. At the moment I have already taken a lover, a man who shall be referred to here as Mr. W., but who you can be assured holds a prominent position in our community. I am confident that the aforementioned Mr. W will soon leave his wife and that I will be a more important facet of his life soon. If I am not involved with W. any time in the future, I encourage you to reapply as my lover, and I will consider you as a likely candidate. Good luck to you in your next romantic endeavors! Sincerely,
* * * Date: Monday, December 15, 2003
Dear Regina: Once again, this is Karen Killer of Killer, Killer, and Schmidt. Thank you for your rapid responses to my correspondence! There's just one unfortunate matter that I feel should be brought to your attention before the local tournament this winter. I have heard from reliable sources (who wish to be left unnamed) that Ms. Gretchen Schoenmann, a current member of our bridge organization and, sad to say, a receptionist at the law firm of Killer, Killer, and Schmidt, has been engaging in inappropriate intimate activities with the male members of our group (and some of the female members, if the more sordid rumors are true). The Tournament Advisor, Mr. Burns, the Rules Committee Chairman, Mr. Humbert, and even the Vice-President, Mr. Jordan, have all fallen prey to her wily charms. How long shall this brazen immorality flourish in an organization that was founded upon integrity and friendly competition? At the same time as our children (well, technically "your" children, as I am currently single) are eating cookies and drinking Kool-Aid in your kitchen, Ms. Schoenmann is performing acts of fellatio on Mr. Burns in the guest bedroom! I, for one, believe that this behavior is unacceptable in a family organization! So, I, Karen Killer, of Killer, Killer, and Schmidt, propose that Ms. Gretchen Schoenmann be expelled from the Glendale Heights Bridge Club. We owe it to our members and our families to maintain the highest level of dignity and character in our private lives and in our leisure activities. I am sorry to have to bring such terrible news to light, especially at the start of the holiday season. I welcome any questions or comments that you have to offer regarding my proposal. I look forward to hearing from you and seeing you at our next meeting. Sincerely,
* * * Date: Thursday, December 18, 2003
Dear Regina: Well, you certainly have answered my questions as to the nature of the Glendale Heights Bridge Club. I have to admit that I am looking for a bridge organization and nothing further. As long as we continue to engage in intellectually stimulating competition, I would be happy to remain a member. Are we still going to compete in the upcoming regional tournament or is that all a ruse for the spouses? Thank you for your attention to this matter. I look forward to hearing from you. Sincerely,
P.S. I have noticed that our club dues are rather exorbitant and continue to rise each month. Seeing as I do not participate in the extra sexual activities, could I perhaps have a discount? It would help me pay for Ritz's and Sociables's yuletide kitty litter and catnip! * * * Date: Monday, December 22, 2003
Dear Ms. Djurich: I am writing this letter to you regarding your repeated attempts to reach me in order to secure my permission to become, as you put it in your emails and answering machine messages, "the World of Knowledge Network's newest star." Although I am grateful for your interest in me and my unique communication skills with all mammals and reptiles, I must refuse your offer and request that you do not contact me again. I am perfectly happy performing my duties as Coordinator of all Vital Typed Documents at Killer, Killer, and Schmidt, and frankly, I have better things to do after a long day of fulfilling labor than to answer the endless phone calls and delete the omnipresent messages in my email account that originate in your department. I am positive that your network can find other people and animals to highlight on your television programs. A lack of quality programming can be solved, for example, by merely implementing my prior suggestions to include more footage of animal copulation. I feel that your viewers would be able to learn much more from such footage than from anything that a raccoon or a moose would have to say. I hereby request that you and your subordinates cease and desist your harassment and refrain from further contact. If need be, I will alert the necessary authorities in order to regain my peace and composure at home. Sincerely,
* * * Date: Tuesday, December 23, 2003
Dear Regina: You know, I never thought of it that way. I trust my participation in this new facet of the Bridge Club will be kept discreet? I do have the considerable reputation of Killer, Killer, and Schmidt to uphold. In the meantime, I am looking forward to investigating this matter further with you in the very near future! 'Til then, mon cherie! Sincerely,
* * * Date: Monday, January 5, 2004
Dear Ms. Djurich: I was displeased by your letter regarding the recent disappearance of one Ritz and one Sociables, pets and property of myself, Karen Killer, Secretarial Executive at Killer, Killer, and Schmidt. It is evident that there is not much I can do in this situation but try to negotiate the safe return of said cats. I will meet your demands as of January 3, 2004. My associates at Killer, Killer, and Schmidt are working with me closely, advising me on this grave matter. Although I will appear on the World of Knowledge Network against my will in a short piece showcasing my unique inter-species communication faculties, I do ask one thing. Could you please not use my real and factual name as stated in this document in your segment? It's the least you can do for a tormented pet owner who will meet all demands, regardless of the irreparable damage it may cause to my professional reputation, in order to ensure my pets' safety. I have been emotionally distraught since the beginning of this unfortunate situation. I look forward to your response so that we can negotiate a satisfactory outcome. Sincerely,
* * * Date: Monday, January 12, 2004
Dear Mr. Brady: I am writing to remind you of an urgent matter that has as of yet not been addressed by your agents, despite my frequent phone calls, emails, and letters. The simple facts are these: I am Karen Killer, and I act as a Secretarial Associate for the prestigious law firm of Killer, Killer, and Schmidt in Glendale Heights, IL. I am the owner of two cats--one Ritz, a white Persian, and one Sociables, a beige Himalayan (For a more complete description and photos, please see attached material). These two cats were unlawfully stolen and kidnapped on Saturday, January 3, 2004. On that same day, I received a letter from a Ms. Jennifer Djurich in New York, New York, demanding that either I appear in a World of Knowledge Network television special about my ability to communicate with animals or suffer the loss of my property and pets, who would, as Ms. Djurich so inhumanely suggested, "see the business end of my Cusinart." I immediately contacted your office, only to be laughed at and advised (in jest, I should say) to contact my local law enforcement authorities. However, since said cats have ostensibly been transported across state lines, I believe that this would be a matter best dealt with by federal authorities. Despite the fact that I have repeatedly attempted to contact someone in your office, I have not been able to speak with anyone other than your secretary, whose humor and sense of irony, I must inform you, have not been appreciated during this stressful time. Yesterday evening, I received a video from the perpetrators at the World of Knowledge Network. My cats were filmed in a broom closet, and although they appeared well-fed and unharmed, they repeatedly asked me to contact local, state, and federal law enforcement officials to relieve them of their present discomfort. The video then cut away to Ms. Djurich in her penthouse switching on her Cuisinart for effect, laughing hysterically. You can well imagine, sir, what emotional distress this caused me, and you can clearly see how urgent this situation has become. I urge you, sir, to contact me as soon as possible so that this situation can be resolved with all due speed. My great-uncle and employer, Mr. Geoffrey "Hoo-hah" Killer, has been advising me about the legal implications of your department's negligence, and I can assure you that all proper legal steps will be taken as soon as this crisis has ended. I would like to be able to trust the federal government with the rectification of this terrible injustice. If, however, my pleas are ignored, I will have to take matters into my own hands. Sincerely,
* * * Date: Thursday, January 15, 2004
Dear Mr. Weaver: As you know, I, Karen Killer, Chief Amanuensis for Killer, Killer, and Schmidt, have been your lover for the past three months. I have derived much physical and emotional fulfillment from our relationship, and I hope that you feel the same way. However, the tribulations I am currently enduring (re: the disappearance of my feline companions and my forced employment with the World of Knowledge Network under the pseudonym "Harmony Snickerdoodles") have caused me to reevaluate our situation. I am writing this letter to inform you that I do not feel that you are emotionally available to me to a satisfactory extent, chiefly due to the fact that you are married to one Nancy Weaver. I understand, as you have repeatedly reminded me, that "Rome was not built in a day," and that Nancy cannot become the future former Mrs. Weaver without the completion of much paperwork. However, under the present trying circumstances, I feel that this unfortunate situation has come to a head. Therefore, I feel obligated to inform you that as of this writing, the following ultimatum will be in effect. The ultimatum is as follows: You must begin divorce proceedings against Mrs. Nancy Weaver by Monday, February 16, 2004 or our friendship and sexual relationship will be terminated. I regret having to place such an ultimatum upon our formerly agreeable relationship. However, I must make my emotional and mental health concerns paramount during a time when unspeakable injustices are being committed against my person, my privacy, and my property on a daily basis. Thank you for your time. I look forward to your response. Sincerely,
* * * Date: Saturday, January 24, 2004
Dear Mr. Frankenfeld: Thank you for your recent email, received on January 22, 2004. I am writing to inform you that I would be interested in hearing more information about the ways in which you are "connected" and about the various methods you could use in order to retrieve my cats from the unlawful imprisonment that they currently suffer at the hands of Ms. Jennifer Djurich. If your methods were to be successful, I would be willing to negotiate any form of payment you would be willing to receive. I am extremely grateful for your offer of much-needed assistance, and I look forward to speaking with you in the near future. Sincerely,
* * * Date: Monday, January 26, 2004
Darling Regina, Queen of My Heart: This letter is intended to convey my deepest gratitude for your kindest attentions as of last weekend. I have been through such strain lately, as you know, and I hardly know how I could endure if it weren't for you. The Glendale Heights Bridge Club has been a source of much-needed diversion and enlightenment this past week. As you can imagine, the house has been very quiet lately due to the extended absence of my beloved domestic creatures, Ritz and Sociables. I can hardly type these words--the pain is so dreadfully pressing. I apologize...it is hard for me to express my complex emotions in writing. I may require the further assistance of the Glendale Heights Bridge Club to negotiate the safe return of the aforementioned pets. I have finally learned to stand up for myself; I will not endure further exploitation and mental manipulation. Even if I have to take down the entire World of Knowledge Network, I will get my cats back. Once again, thank you for your support. I may require your services in the future, both related to the present dire situation and also for recreation. I look forward to hearing your response concerning these matters. Sincerely,
* * * Date: Monday, February 2, 2004
Dear Ms. Djurich: This letter is intended to convey my deepest dissatisfaction with your exploitation of my person and the unlawful imprisonment of my pets and also to inform you that you are a hellhound from the deepest recesses of Lucifer's anus. I refuse to be blackmailed any longer. I am not your show pony and I will not perform in your "segments." I also refuse to believe that Ritz and Sociables (which are the names they themselves selected, thank you VERY much!) would want anyone but me as their owner. I demand a stop to this corporate tyranny, and I demand the immediate return of said cats. You may laugh diabolically at this message (which I have conveyed in a less than professional manner, I admit, due to the intense emotional strain I have endured this past week), but please be advised that I have powerful friends on my side, and we will destroy you, you heartless minx! Give me my cats, or I swear upon every thing wholesome and family-oriented in this great nation of ours that I will break you. I look forward to hearing from you. Sincerely,
* * * Date: Monday, February 16, 2004
Dear Mr. Weaver: This letter is to inform you that as of today, February 16, 2004, our sexual relationship is hereby terminated, due to the fact that divorce proceedings against Mrs. Nancy Weaver have not yet begun. I regret that our relationship must end in such an abrupt manner. I congratulate you on your recent marital successes, and I wish you luck in the future. Sincerely,
* * * Date: Thursday, February 19, 2004
Dear Mr. Frankenfeld: I am writing this note to you to convey my deepest gratitude and appreciation for your retrieval of my cats, Ritz and Sociables, on Wednesday, February 18, 2004. I'm sorry that your team had to suffer such terrible losses...please extend my best wishes to Mr. Richard Rhys and his family as he recovers in hospital. Hopefully, his status will upgrade to "serious" soon. It is truly a testament to your bravery and tenacity that you were able to return my feline companions to me safe and sound even as The World of Knowledge's henchmen began to use incendiary devices. Ritz and Sociables have both told me time and again that they felt perfectly safe and comfortable whilst in your care. In my cabinet of important documents, I have carefully filed away your previous application to be my lover. Because I am currently unengaged and because you have proved yourself to be an outstanding friend to me in my time of need, I heartily encourage you to re-apply for my romantic attention. I don't know how I could ever thank you enough. I look forward to seeing you again. Sincerely,
* * * Date: Thursday, February 26, 2004
Dear Mrs. Blackburn: As I'm sure you're already aware, my name is Karen Killer, Secretarial Associate of All Legal Matters at Killer, Killer, and Schmidt, and I have attended the last two meetings of the Glendale Heights Girlfriend Book Club. I am sending this letter as a formal apology to you and to our fellow members. I am afraid that there was some sort of misunderstanding regarding the nature of your meetings.It appears that due to my recent experiences with another social organization (which shall remain unnamed in our correspondence), I was working under the assumption that all such social organizations existed primarily to provide sexual gratification for its members. I am most deeply and humbly sorry if any of my remarks during the meeting on 2/25/04 caused discomfort or embarrassment to anyone involved with the Glendale Heights Girlfriend Book Club and their relations. I would not have made such a crude reference to Mrs. Ciupek's lovely punch bowl if I had not been so gravely misinformed. Please extend my apologies to all. I am ashamed to the core of my soul. I will not attend future meetings until I hear from you and members of the Executive Committee. If need be, I will resign as a member of your organization. I understand if I am no longer welcome, but I hope that you and the other Glendale Heights Girlfriends will be able to forgive me. Sincerely,
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