A Girl's Guide to Porn

by Sam Romano

It happens in every relationship with a boy. You start dating a great guy, start doing the deed, and then you get all comfortable in your relationship. Things are going along just fine, everyone's needs are being met, until one day, your new Prince Charming trots out something you'd rather not see: the dreaded porno. Or even worse, you find his hidden stash of Penthouse mags and nudie flicks tucked away in the basement or under a heap of clothes in his closet. What to do?

It's really inevitable with men. They're visual creatures, and women are not, or at least not in the same way. The slightest hint of a boobie, and the boys are all "SCHWING!!!" (And for those of you who do not understand that reference, please stop reading, as it is past your bedtime. I can't be responsible for corrupting your virgin eyes and ears.) As distasteful as you may find porn, ladies, unfortunately, as long as you're with a guy, it's not going anywhere.

It's taken me many years and several boyfriends to find ways of enjoying it. I mean, I have no problems with porn per se, so long as the participants are willing and are an appropriate age. But I don't find it particularly appealing either. Bad boob jobs and men hung like race horses aren't particularly attractive to look at. (Okay...maybe the latter is kinda attractive in an abstract sort of way, but in general, the thing itself isn't. Ron Jeremy, anyone? I didn't think so...) But I've found some strategies for dealing with the inevitable that I think my compatriots in the sisterhood may find helpful. So without further ado, here's my Girl's Guide to Porn.

With or Without You

Thing is, ladies, no matter how much you may dislike it, your guy is going to do it with or without you. And the sooner that you can accept that fact, the sooner we can all move on with our lives. For those of you saying, "Oh no, my Johnny isn't into any of that!!!", all I can say is, umm...yeah, and monkeys will fly out of my butt!!! (Okay, okay...I'll stop with the cheesy 90s references. I'm really dating myself, eh?) He is into all of that, and then some; he's just adept at hiding it, likely because he knows your aversion to it.

Maybe it's my own distrust of the menfolk, but I for one like knowing what my boyfriend is into, even if it's not my thing. And I'd certainly rather he share that sort of stuff with me than become skilled at lying about it. If he's going to lie about his G-sized breast fetish, it'd certainly make me wonder what else he's good at lying about. But that's just me.

Plus, if you're not willing to check out some movies with him, how do you know for sure that you don't like it? Which brings me to my next point...

Well, You Never Know Unless You Try

Porn doesn't do much for me, personally. I just don't get it really. Porn stars tend to look like freaks of nature, and they do things that don't always appeal to my delicate sensibilities. But there are certain types of porn that are far more tolerable than others, and you'll never know what those are if you're not willing to try them out. For example, I find late-night cable skin flicks far more watchable than their hardcore counterparts. Soft-core stuff gets the point across without being overly graphic and doesn't give me that icky feeling like I've just taken part in a group gynecological exam. But whatever your fancy, no doubt your boyfriend will appreciate any time spent testing those waters with you.

Why Pay for It When You Can See It For Free?

It's important to keep in mind while testing the acceptable vs. unacceptable porno waters that there is no need to pay for such entertainment. Like, hullo, have you not flipped on late-night Skinemax? Or HBO's Real Sex (though this one's definitely hit or miss. There tend to be far too many people on there who I'd frankly rather not see in their altogethers.) Or if those don't work for you, tell him to borrow it from a friend or something. I can say with 100% certainty that at least one of his friends has a rather extensive collection to choose from if he doesn't already own a secret stash himself (please refer to "With or Without You").

My point here is that there certainly are far better things to spend your $15.99 on. If you let him go spend money on porn all willy nilly when it's readily available elsewhere for free, you're bound to become resentful, especially if his doing so means you having to forgo spending money on something you enjoy. Let's be smart and fiscally responsible, ladies.

Keep Him Happy at Home

Now assuming you're watching a late-night skin flick together, you're in pretty good shape. He's not skanking it up in some strip club or having a sausage fest with his buddies. (It's such a weird concept that groups of straight men will willingly watch pornos together, especially because many of these same men get all homophobic at the slightest hint of guy-on-guy action. Seriously, what's gayer then a bunch of men getting boners together? When I'm with my girlfriends, the last thing I'd want to do is get all, ahem, excited in front of them. How weird and uncomfortable!) But anyway, he's safe and sound with you and will likely give in to your every whim, as my next point suggests.

Sometimes It's Better to Receive than to Give

Though you may be put off by its inherent graphic nature, porn does have its educational merits. As an inexperienced youth, I would often turn to my mature-audience sisters in adult filmland for guidance and pointers. I found that it's fun to test out new techniques or to add new skills to my repertoire. But remember, ladies, that works both ways. The next time you find yourself stuck watching a porno with your man, and you see something that suits your fancy, make sure to tell him, "Hey buddy, it's your turn." It's only fair.

And as an added bonus, this approach is particularly effective for women to use with men who aren't very skilled in some areas. Like my last boyfriend, PP. While he was very good at some things, he was a little, ahem, orally challenged. So when I felt a hankering for oral pleasure, I would suggest we watch a movie just so I could be like, "That looks like it'd be awesome!" And he, like most men who want your experience to be pleasurable, would instantly give it a whirl. It's a win/win situation for everyone!

You're Never Too Old to Play with Toys

And speaking of win/win situations, pornos are a good way to find new uses for old toys. A vibrator is kinda boring, and a dildo is just a hunk of sculpted rubber if not skillfully put into action. I've found myself watching these movies whilst thinking, "Huh...I'd never have thought to use it THAT way...

Keep it Clean, Sticky Fingers!

As an aside, if you do decide to use a toy THAT way, please, please, please clean it properly. Maybe it's just the germaphobe in me, but it gives me the heebie jeebies thinking about what's on those things, especially if it's left a festering pile of gook. Barf!

Oh, and an aside to my aside, if you notice anything that's stuck together, like the pages of one of his nudie magazines or something like that, just throw it away. We all know what that is, and no one wants to touch it.

It's Only Fun until Someone Gets Hurt

Have you ever noticed how many of the things they do in pornos just look straight-up painful? Like contorting oneself into some crazy pretzel shape or having something unnaturally large put into an area not meant to house such things? Ouch! I know there are those out there who are into that sort of thing, but for me, sex should never ever hurt nor should it cause me several months of physical therapy. Call me crazy, but pain does not equal pleasure in the nether regions.

You First!

But of course it's a man's duty to ask for things that may be painful for you but that he would find enjoyable for no other reason than you're letting him do it. No doubt if you resist, your guy will argue, "C'mon baby...just look at how much Puddles Peterson loves doing that in Sticky Buns!" Of course, the only suitable comeback to this most unfortunate of events is to adopt a strict "You First!" policy. He wants to do something he saw in a movie that is unnatural and painful to you, well you'll just have to test it out on him first. I mean, I'm generally unselfish in the sack, so why wouldn't I want to share that "pleasure" with him? [ed. note: also see Ask Esmarelda, 7/22/05]

Furthermore, the You First! policy is the most effective strategy one can have against the most evil and insidious result of porno viewing...

The Booty Warrior

Okay, boys and girls, now it's time for a girl's Golden Rule of hetero porn: booty warriors are not welcome. Your kind is not wanted here or there or anywhere. I know men want to go in through the out door just because it's all taboo and forbidden fruit and all that jazz, but seriously, there's a reason it's forbidden: it's N.A.S.T.Y.

Por ejemplo, I recently read an interview with a fabulously gay fashion designer. In it, he's asked about his most embarrassing sexual encounter. And the gist of his answer is that after his paramour finished, he was informed that the next time it would be a good idea "to enema" beforehand because there were apparently remnants that made an unfortunate appearance during the deed. Say it with me now: EWWWWW!!!! Now I don't know about you, but receiving an enema is not my idea of effective foreplay. It's not my idea of a good time under any circumstances, really. And furthermore, there are certain bodily secretions that need never make an appearance in front of others, especially others whom I like enough to get all nekkid with.

Now a boy could argue that there are girls out there who do in fact enjoy backdoor action. Porn stars certainly seem to. And here are the reasons why that argument doesn't hold up:

  1. Pornos have the luxury of selective editing. So if an exasperated starlet belts out, "Holy shit, that hurts like a motherfucker!", you'll never see it. Instead, all you'll see is her acting away in feigned ecstasy.
  2. And speaking of faking, it's important to remember that porn stars get paid, some of them very well. So it's pretty much their job to pretend to enjoy any number of painful, nasty things. If they want a paycheck, they need to go rump up and be convincing about liking it. The rest of us ladies, however, aren't getting paid for our "acting" abilities. We're not going to get anything out of backdoor action except a sore bum, which, as I pointed out earlier, is not for me. So, boys, unless you're dating a porn star, your girl is not likely to get much pleasure out of the experience. Which brings me to my next point...
  3. Did you ever notice how most of the girls in a porno look kinda, well, strung out? It's not necessarily an industry known for its sobriety. So really, those girls probably aren't feeling much of anything anyway. Those of us who don't hoover up before getting it on, however, are going to feel it. And, rest assured, it's not going to feel good. I mean, really, if something that size were to exit through that venue, you would most certainly not be moaning in ecstasy. So what makes you think it would feel good going in?

But thankfully, here are a few effective responses to use when your boyfriend tries to go all booty warrior on your ass:

  1. You are not a proctologist, nor do I need a first-hand experience of what a colonoscopy feels like, Assman.
  2. Well, I have been a little constipated. Maybe you can open things up for me back there.
  3. Shoot! Did I get my "Enter" and "Exit" signs mixed up again down there?
  4. Hey, look...there's my dildo! Why don't we give it a try on you first!?!?

So remember, ladies, just as you would expect a straight man who enjoys derriere defilement to give up his man card, girls who willingly consent to and partake in such acts are expected to do likewise. Those ladies just make it harder for the rest of us with an open mind but firmly clenched cheeks.